My Heart is for You
by Ai No Senshi FC
Summary: Ten years have passed since the last Angel appeared, and the world did not end. Well for most it did not.
1. Prologue

My Heart is for You  
The Prologue  
Authored by: Ai No Senshi FC

Disclaimer: All characters within are property of Gainax. I'm a college student, so if you really want to sue me for some reason, you won't get much.  
---

2025

It always seemed to her that the snooze button on her alarm clock was stuck down. The clock always managed to go off at the right time; however the blue backlight was always on whenever she looked at it. This was almost like a bastion of what once was – she never thought of time as a concept of what was to come since he left for good, and had come to think that maybe she never would.

The clock read four in the morning – a time at which she never seemed to miss due to sleep. At night she'd be looking towards the sky, searching for a reason why her life was thrown such a curve-ball while she was still young enough to retry and maybe even try to relive such a fleeting time in her life. Either this or she would be looking at her clock in a drunken haze as she lost control of her inhibition against remembering the good times she has shared with him. This happened to be one of her nights and she couldn't ever get a grip on herself – a time in which she would eventually cry so hard as to not have any tears fall at all.

She could still taste the tar and nicotine on her tongue. In her current state she thought that she had just kissed the lips of the first man she fell in love with, making her mental state all the weaker. Neglecting the fact that she had taken up smoking herself – she missed the smell in the air and all the good feelings that were soon to come as the faint smell of menthol carried through the air as his hands removed her jacket after a long days work.

Ten years has passed. Shinji and Asuka both graduated secondary school, and eventually college. The message he left on her phone was soon lost after several bouts of depression and alcoholism, which crushed her slightly every time she thought about what he had said to her. How much so could never be gauged by the closest people to her at the time – she tried in her state to be the best surrogate mother to both of them while they were slowly and steadily coming into their own. However, how much can someone feel successes fostered by their hand, or further turmoil, when her soul died long before anyone ever noticed?

She rolled over to look out the window. The apartment was too quiet for her tastes but she had become used to the silence Shinji and Asuka had left when they moved out a few months ago. While they were certainly a bright shining light in what was a dark place, the light disappeared along with the slamming of the front door. She tried recalling whether or not Shinji said he was going be engaged soon. She didn't remember whom to, or if he had told her that to earn her permission. Truth was, she didn't want him to get married, to anyone else anyway. She always had wanted for him to stay with her, and while the marriage word still scares her to this day, she could have lived without being Mrs. Ikari.

Thinking about that made her remember: she was thirty-nine, and without a beau worth speaking of for years. While there have been dates and relationships and one-night stands, nothing really was grand or something she wanted to remember. It made her toss and turn about before she finally decided on standing up and walking out to the patio. The air outside was cold and crisp with a bit of snow falling without the aid of the wind. While her tank top and cutoff jeans weren't exactly right for the weather at hand, the cold air against her flesh had a slight comforting, sobering effect. Standing outside for a long time made the haze nearly disappear from her mind, well enough that she started to fumble around in her pockets for her lighter and cigarettes. She found them both, took out a cigarette and lit it up, flicking the lighter open and closed in her hand as she leaned back against the glass, staring out on Tokyo-3.

She wanted to forget, and in her position, could anyone really blame her? The orange glow lit up brilliantly in the dim light as she took a long drag, held it for a moment, and then exhaled slowly. Still being under the influence definitely didn't help her feel better by pulling back long and hard on that cigarette, and she coughed a little as she fought back the dual notion of trying to get air in and keep the contents of her stomach in as well.

Finally, after flicking the blunt away and starting up one more, she looked to the sky and remembered the best she could as to what happened earlier that night.

-

"You know, if you cut back on your drinking just a bit you might not be under internal investigation by NERV." Doctor Akagi said before taking a drink of her martini. "I couldn't imagine how you would keep your rank, much less, your position, if you were to come into work with a hangover yet again."

"Nonsense Ritsuko, you know this is a very important night for me to toast to." Misato replied, cracking open another beer and letting the foam run over the rim to spill down her fingers and land on the table.

"I know, how could I forget that you don't give one damn about what the Commander thinks of you."

"Well, think about it, do you really either?"

Ritsuko laughed. "I see your sense of humor still remains even when you can't see straight.

"It's pathetic, really. I remember when you used to be such an asset to NERV that we couldn't possibly afford to lose your leadership skills, and now you've let the death of one more person ruin your psyche possibly for life."

Misato was finishing her beer and preparing to begin on another when Ritsuko said those words. She slammed the can back down on the table causing the condiments between the women to jump slightly in the air.

"Take that back." Misato simply demanded.

"Even if I said I did, you should still have enough sense about yourself that I can't take back the truth."

"You can't possibly imagine what losing Kaji has done to me – I loved him and just one day he decides to up and get himself killed needlessly!" Misato was on her feet now, not neglecting her beer however which she took long drinks from in spite.

"Yeah, you're right." Ritsuko stood up and prepared to leave. "But I let go of him a long time ago. It's been ten years now but yet you are still hung up on him, and how I don't know." She put her coat on as Misato crushed her now-empty can in her fist, ready to start throwing fists even if she was all ready feeling light-headed. "I'm tired of holding your hand every time you get drunk thinking about him. From now on if you want a ride home I won't be it. Find someone else to be your ride or cut back on the drinking, but I know which one will be more likely to happen first."

"Go to Hell, Ritsuko" was all Misato said before she resigned herself back into her stool and prepared another beer to be savagely drank, watching as the successful doctor – who had a husband and kids and international career going for her – walked through that bar door for what could be potentially the last time.

Misato stayed for quite some time, losing count of how many she had and closing the place down all by her lonesome. Finding it hard to fumble around her pockets for her cigarettes and lighter, it took her all of five minutes just to light one. The smell of burning tobacco had an adverse effect than what her clouded mind had hoped, so she ran – stumbled more appropriately – to the bathroom where all that money she had just spent to forget for ten minutes came back out into the porcelain bowl.

The bartender, having noticed her broken jaunt through his establishment and not another customer to serve at the moment cracked the bathroom door. "Ma'am, I think it's time for you to go home."

Misato didn't say anything, nor really felt like it either. She silently cleaned herself up to the best of her ability, collected her things from her table and walked out into the city. The chill in the air had no effect on her as she still had that warm and fuzzy feeling fostered by the amount of alcohol she just had. She flagged down a cab, fell into the back seat and rambled off her home address and stared at the floor as the cab rolled down the street, for looking outside as signs, people, and other things on the sidewalks made her feel nauseated. The ride back seemed like forever. Having nothing to look at to judge her distance from home, she could've been dropped off anywhere and be none the wiser. Finally it seemed to her the cab rolled up into the parking lot of her apartment, paid the cab driver more than she should have, and before she had the opportunity to get her change she was all ready trying to walk up the stairs to her room. Stopping at the wrong door several times, it took her much too long to figure out on several occasions as to why her key wouldn't open the door, but finally she tried her keys in the right door and she got inside.

She didn't take the time to notice nobody responded to her coming back to the apartment, a point that always pricked her heart whenever she came back sober. Simply taking her jacket and hanging it very precariously on the hanger, she made a trail of clothing to her bathroom, she slowly put on what she thought was clean enough to wear to bed, washed what little was left over from her sickness in the bar, and fell down in bed, staring for hours at the indiglo clock that was always stuck on.

-

The Misato of ten years' past would have even agreed that something had to give, something needed to change, but she was too far along to care about the future or what she could make of it. As far as she was currently concerned, her life was flooded by work only to come home to an empty shell.

"I'm glad you're not here to see me now father," she said, staring at the sky, " – I wouldn't want you to feel disappointed in me."

As she lit up another cigarette, she sighed, thinking about what she had, and how she had let it all go.


	2. The Sentence

My Heart Is For You  
The Sentence  
Authored: Ai No Senshi FC

She finally awoke from an uneasy slumber to the beeping of her clock. She fumbled around her end-table until she did find the clock and turned it off. She had no idea what time it was, nor did she really care. There was only one thing she had to do today, and it wasn't something she was looking forward to but she had brought it upon herself so she was obligated to go.

After finally rolling out of bed, she went and took a warm shower with the hopes of working off the painful hangover she still had from earlier that night. Forever it seemed she sat in the bathtub soaking away the stench of alcohol, menthol and sweat. The warm water surrounding her body had a lulling effect and for a moment of two she may have dozed off for a second before shaking her head and coming back to reality. She finally stood up and dried herself off, taking a long time to apply the makeup that she hoped would hide some of the wrinkles starting to form on her face from many nights of squinting and grimacing. To some credit it actually worked but not to her expectations; someone could look at her just walking down the street and assume that she was just in her early thirties, had a good home and good husband, but unfortunately some people only respond to what they have seen in other such people in which that wish had come true.

She hada fight with herselftrying to put on her uniform. For some reason, other than her hangover, she seemed to stall while putting on her lingerie and her dress, as if she really didn't want to go back out into the world. Nonetheless, she had to, or the authorities would come for her and give her a worse punishment than what she was all ready expecting. She made coffee for a change, still trying to evade the effects of her alcoholic tendencies to little avail, but the warm liquid made her feel somewhat at ease if only for a few minutes. Once she had fully collected herself, she gathered up personal belongings and went outside to her car.

The ride over to the Geofront was very uncomfortable. All the time she spent thinking about what she had finally coming to her. What would happen, what would Commander Ikari say, while true, would sting down to her bones, how Shinji or Ritsuko would look on and be disappointed.

She really wished to turn around right now and leave Tokyo-3. Alas she couldn't, this thought came way too late as the vehicle elevator was nearly through the defense barriers.

The sight of the Geofront really carried no special feeling any longer for Misato. No shock and awe, no stare of amazement. _"Why is this really here anymore?"_ she sat and wondered to herself as Central Dogma came closer and closer into her field of vision. There wasn't anyone left to fight, not with the world at peace after the Angels were finally defeated ten long years ago. Really all that was left were plans to retrieve the Spear of Longinus back to Earth, and that space mission was completely plotted out and nearing the flight stage. This was why she thought she would have been the most guilty in recent memory she could recall, having little to do with the planning at all – not by direction but by choice, or some would call ignorance.

The fear of the unknown made Misato shiver every now and then as she made her way to the officers' revue. Little was to be in her plans at work today, for she figured she would be, at best, dismissed of her duties, leaving her a lot more time to stay at home and try to forget once more.

Walking into the small meeting room that had been converted into a courtroom for what she was subpoenaed for, a 'court martial' of sorts. What it really was, hidden behind the fancy wording chosen by Commander Ikari, was a sentencing; moreover, an admission of guilt. Of course everyone she thought would be present for the occasion were there; Futsyuki, Ritsuko, Gendo, Maya, Shinji, Asuka, and Rei. What really struck her interest as she took her seat alone in front of the Commander was how Shinji was holding Asuka's hand, whispering every so often into one anothers ears. Maybe this was whom Shinji said he was engaged to, and the mere thought of it being Asuka filled her with intense jealousy. That was a matter for another time as the Commander started calling forth 'witnesses' for the trial. She stood her ground, folding her hands over one another as the Commander asked each and every person present about subjects concerning Misato such as tardiness, laziness, falling asleep on the job, ignorance, acting without orders, so on and so forth. A bastion of strength from the glory days of NERV when it was more than a name, but a defender of the innocent, and every one saw this image in Misato and recalled it as well, but saving face at a moment way beyond the appropriate time to save anything was all for naught.

Finally after hours of deliberation;

"Captain Misato Katsuragi, please stand up." Commander Ikari's voice thundered from on high. Misato obeyed his order and stood, straight up as possible, and looked on Gendo with a strong face and powerful glint in her eye.  
"For the past decade your attendance record has fallen drastically and quite frequently in the last year you have actually shown up to your post either drunk, hung over, or both. You have failed to complete your current assignments on time if they are done at all, and you have expressed tendencies that are borderline AWOL in intent and purpose. You have not given your subordinates the leading spirit you have once exhibited, and therefore when all is considered, you have become utterly useless.

"Therefore it is in the interest of NERV and this court to apply the following sentences. You are hereby suspended from your post, and are also ordered to turn over your sidearm and all forms of identification and passcards stamped with the NERV emblem. Also, you are subjected to have your pay cut in three-quarters and pension plan suspended. While this is certaintly a light penalty considering your current status as an officer of NERV, a further revue of your status will be held six months from now. If you are still the washed-up excuse for a human by then the organization will have no choice to suspend youindefinitely and bar you from re-entering the Geofront under any circumstances. Do you understand the charges?"

"Yes, I understand." It was all she had expected with a few surprises.

"Then this ruling has come to a close. The next hearing will be in six months time from this date. Court is adjourned." Commander Ikari finished, and he wasted no time in standing from his chair and walking out of the room. A slow silent murmur rose over the room stemming from the punishment handed out. Misato proceeded to hand over to an orderly all her NERV passports, passcodes and identification cards, and before she could search for a soft voice in the room the orderly escorted back out to her car, where security followed her all the way outside of he gates until they were sure she wouldn't be getting out of her vehicle or doubling back.

The only comfort stemming from anything she heard today was the opportunity to return home, run another hot bath, have a beer and a smoke and waste the day away, just like she had wished from the beginning. While having her pay reduced drastically could cause some financial woes down the line due to her extravagant drinking life, it may even make her move out of her apartment into a smaller one. She figured six months would be enough time to fake a turnaround to get at least her pension out of the organization and call an early retirement.

Arriving home, she was surprised to see that Shinji had somehow managed to beat her back to the apartment complex. How it thrilled her to see the boy with whom she had fallen for years earlier; how he stood strong and tall next to his new car, wind blowing his hair to and fro. She parked two spots down from him and exited her car, finding Shinji walking her way.

"Hi, Misato." He said, coming around the far side of her car. "It's been awhile hasn't it?"

"Yes, yes it has. I don't think I've seen you outside of the Geofront for at least a year." She said, although it had really been only a few months since he left her apartment for his own with Asuka shortly after college commencement. She did notice that the college experience, and perhaps being around the strong-willed German for so long had calmed the quiver in his voice.

"I've really missed being here, you know?" He gave her a light hug, which Misato had found thrilling. "You're still just as beautiful as I remember."

Misato giggled to herself. "Oh stop it, I know you're just buttering me up."

"No I'm not!" Shinji said. "I only say what I think is true."

While the comment certainly made her feel better, the torment her self-conscious has been through wouldn't let her believe it as much as she wanted.

"Would you like to come upstairs?" She thought about taking it back as soon as she said it because her apartment had become, more or less, a trail between clothing and random empty cans and cigarette boxes between her room, kitchen, patio, and bathroom.

"Sure, I would love to." He replied with a smile.

"Misato, I've become very worried about you."

Misato coughed on the third beer at his words, responding, "How so?"

Shinji shifted in his seat, showing some of his old tendencies of evasion. "Well, I'm not really fond of your smoking or drinking all the time. I mean, I was used to you drinking large amounts while I lived here, but it seems as though you've actually increased how much you've had.

"And the smoking – I never recalled when you started; even less, when you started smoking inside. The stench is really overpowering. Look at all this trash everywhere! You've never been this dirty ever!"

Misato looked him in the eye. "I can't help myself anymore – nothing really seems worth living for any longer."

"Stop it Misato." His words shocked her. Since when had he grown a backbone? Of course, she figured it had to do with being so close to Asuka for so long. "You are very possible of carrying on like you used to."

"I don't believe you."

"But you should, since I've seen you do it before."

"That was years ago."

"Want me to prove it to you?"

"No I don't want to hear anything else that's the truth today."

"Fine then, you leave me no choice."

Shinji stood up from his chair, found a trashcan, and began cleaning up the floors and tables.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" Misato asked, watching as her got down on his hands in knees in his fancy suit.

"Since you won't help yourself, I'm going to help you."

"I won't let you do that!" Misato rose from her chair and took the bag away from him, inserting a freshly emptied beer can. "See, I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself."

"But you needed my pestering and action to do it."

"Well – I, uh." Misato stumbled over her own words trying to find a way in which she could prove him wrong but could find nothing. He did make her clean something up on her own will.

"Listen, I just want you to be yourself again. That's all. It's a real pain to see what's become of you and that's what everyone else has thought as well. I'm the only one who thinks you can still pull it together."

"Why do you say that?"

"Consider it repaying a debt." He said. The words confused her, but before she could inquire into what he said his cell phone rang. He quickly answered it, and Misato could clearly hear Asukas voice on the other end. While it wasn't the same biting tongue as before – somewhat soft now – it still had the forceful tone in it. He began talking to her with 'Yes dear' and 'No dear' and 'I'll be coming home soon' before he hung up.

"I have to leave now Misato," He said, snapping the face closed on his phone. "Asuka's wondering when I'll be home for dinner."

"Oh, of course Shinji. Whatever you have to do in your time is quite fine with me." No it wasn't, she rather would have him stay them go home to his fiancée.

"Now I'll be back tomorrow before I go to NERV with some coffee… I think you'd want to forget this day as much as any other."

"All right, it's a deal." They embraced one more time before they said their goodbyes and he was.

Misato was left with a bag in her hand half-full of trash, and looked around at her own filth. With nothing much better to do at the moment, she got down on her kness and began collecting her waste.


	3. The Talk over Coffee

My Heart is for You  
The Talk over Coffee  
Authored by: Ai No Senshi FC

Misato spent most of the afternoon, and after stopping to have a few beers and a couple cigarettes, continued into the night. The work of cleaning up her apartment – while simple – consumed her mind, and for a moment, she forgot most of which she wished she would if only for a minute or two. While she couldn't exactly get the smell of menthol out of the carpets and furniture immediately, another night of having the cold air blast in through the open windows seemed to lightly freshen the air inside. Nothing went unclean; Misato went as far as to even search through the couch for cigarette butts and plastic pack covers. When she had finished, she felt somewhat accomplished looking over the large piles of bags she had formed next to the fridge lighting up a smoke and cracking open another beer to celebrate. Now to someone who's been through such a swing in mental stability in the last decade, a victory like this – however small – was still a great thing to her. Misato didn't take too long in celebrating, remembering well what Shinji had said the afternoon before, and took to bed earlier than usual.

Somehow on this night she had missed catching four in the morning read on her alarm clock.

Bounding from her bed before even the alarm went off, she didn't want to waste any time in preparing for Shinji to come over. The trash was more or less thrown off the balcony to a dumpster below, a hot bath drawn and taken, dusting off the old cans of makeup that she used to wear and applied – not enough as to look suspicious -, and sweeping the floor. All of this done in an hour, and she wondered where this energy came from. She brushed that though clean out of her mind; who else wouldn't want to wonder why the energy they had in college suddenly came back?

"A job well done." She said to herself, looking at corners of her apartment she had thought were long gone. Feeling like having a beer, she had the can in her hand and the tab under her nail when she stopped, shrugged, and put it back, thinking full well she could have it after Shinji left; coffee really did sound good this morning, and having an open beer out should Shinji pop in at this moment would only make him question more. So she settled on having just a cigarette or two while she waited. Taking time first to find her ashtray and to open the sliding door on the apartment to pull the smoke out, she sat down at the table, lit up and leaned back. Before shaking the ash from her cigarette however, she reached out for a washcloth and wiped the nicotine and ash stains off of the glass until it was sparkling brilliantly like when she had first purchased it.

The doorbell rang. Misato was halfway finished with her cigarette and still had the washcloth in her hand. She quickly folded the cloth as to hide the black stain she put on it with cleaning up the ashtray, sat down the cigarette, and slightly bounced in her stride for the door.

The door slid open to an image of Shinji, standing there on the walkway with a soft breeze kicking up the loose ends of his suit, holding a tray of three cups of coffee steaming from the lid vents with a small smile on his face.

"Good morning Shinji!" Misato beamed, straightening her posture immediately to look the young man in the eyes. "Well good morning yourself, Misato -" Shinji said as Misato moved from the doorway to let Shinji inside, the door clicking shut behind him, " – I see someone's in high spirits this morning."

"Yeah, I guess you could say that –" Misato said, leading him back into the kitchen before sitting down, " – I've done a lot but as you can see I still have a ways to go."

"No, no, it looks like you've got everything back into order – as much as I could ever remember it was in the first place." They shared a laugh as Shinji passed out the cups, two for Misato and one for himself.

"Why did you get me two?" Misato questioned, opening the pour lid on a cup.

"Well, I kind of thought you had hit the bottle again last night…" Shinji said, looking away as he embarrassed himself. " I'm sorry, I assumed you would have."

Misato shrugged it off. "I can see why you think that, these past few years being a testament to it. There's no reason to be sorry when it's fact."

"Are you sure? I mean, I didn't disrespect you any did I?"

"A little, but I deserve it."

"But you don't deserve it." Shinji looked back in time to watch Misato try the coffee; a look of surprise crossed her face as she pulled away from the cup, swallowed and took a few quick open-mouthed breaths. He couldn't help but laugh.

"It's _not_ funny –" Misato said, wiping her mouth with her hand, "- even if I did look a bit ridiculous."

"Yeah I know, just the look you had, it was priceless."

Misato sharpened her eyes a bit as a thought crossed her mind. "You know, I don't remember when you changed exactly…"

"How so?" Shinji questioned, picking up on what might be on her mind.

"Well – oh never mind." Misato shrugged. "I guess I'm getting too old to remember details." She laughed.

Shinji secretly felt relieved. He knew – the only one to know – what thoughts may have crossed her mind. "We're all getting up there, so don't feel too bad about it."

"I never said I did." Misato was finally convinced the coffee was cooled enough, and took a long drink. "So have you picked a specific date for your marriage yet?"

"Asuka and I are thinking about sometime in May or June – we can't really decide yet because she has to go to Germany for NERV-related business sometime here in the future.

"It'll most likely be soon after she gets back." Shinji beamed, as Misato smiled as well – as much as she didn't want to.

"Have you been able to contact Rei yet?" Misato questioned. "I can't remember the last time I saw her, but I'm sure she would like to come."

"No – we still haven't found her." Shinji said. "Wherever she went after the last Angel appeared is apparently where she would like to stay."

"I'll agree with that, Tokyo-3 has lost some of its luster in the past years." Misato finished her cup and opened the second. "I have been thinking about moving, you know."

"Yeah, it must be hard with none of us here anymore to keep you on your toes, especially since Pen Pen died." Shinji cringed; yet another sad memory.

"He wasn't going to be here forever, and he wasn't in the best health anyway. So where he's at right now is for the best."

Shinjis cell phone rang. He put down his cup of coffee and picked it up:

"Good morning father… yes I'm bringing the documents in with me this morning, has Asuka checked in yet?... All right that's good news… yes sir I'll be in shortly… about ten minutes or so I'll be at the security checkpoint, do you want anything else?...okay, yes, goodbye."

Misato waited for the phone to click shut. "How did I miss you get back on your father's good side?"

"I'm still not completely on his good side; we're just on good speaking terms. Not to say we haven't had our few conversations outside of Central, but we're getting better at the whole conversation thing." Shinji quickly finished his coffee and stood up. "I have to be going now, I have some things in my car that I need to get to Father sooner than later."

"All right, I guess I shouldn't keep you then," Although she wanted to, " – When can I expect you again?"  
"I'm not sure. I'm taking Asuka to dinner tonight and I'm leaving early tomorrow for China, so maybe in a day or two I'll come by once more." Shinji said, as he started for the door.

"Okay then, have a safe trip and give my best to everyone."

"I will, have a great day." With that, Shinji walked down the hall and exited Misato's apartment.

There was one thing she couldn't get off her mind though, and thinking about it more reminded her she never did resolve it. Just, something about ten years ago that still doesn't add up. She lit a cigarette and pondered over it until the last of her coffee was gone.


End file.
